Help! My teenager has no friends.
Trust us when we say this is not a problem unique to your teen only. Most teens and preteens feel as though they do not have friends and it’s no secret that it takes a toll on them. As a parent, it’s hard to watch them mope around with nothing to do, or perhaps muster up the courage to finally reach out to a peer only to get rejected in return. If only they had one close friend, right? Then you certainly wouldn’t worry as much.
So what is a parent to do? Should you intervene and risk potentially embarrassing your teen or should you just let them navigate this tough time on their own? Should you reach out to the school counselor, your doctor, another parent? Nobody ever said parenting would have so many unexpected challenges.
To get you through this common problem, here are some tips to keep in mind.
1- Don’t let them change themselves
Teenagers have very fragile egos and need a lot of support during this time. A natural reaction would be to try to fit in by changing who they are. Make sure you tell them that anyone would be lucky to have them as a friend and give specific details about why they are special. Such an example would be “You are very loyal Sadie, and you have a very quirky sense of humor. Anyone would be lucky to have that kind of friend around.” Listen to them and make sure they feel loved and supported. They may not admit it but having your reliable presence there makes a huge difference.
2- Encourage them to branch out
Okay, so the status quo isn’t working. This is the time to insist your teenager branches out and gets involved in new school or after-school activities. They can be the one to pick the activity, but insist they try something new. Putting your teenager in a social environment with new people who have a similar interest is a great set up for creating new friendships. It’s no secret that moping around at home will not change their situation, so this is where your guidance comes into play.
3- Remind them that they cannot force people be their friends
Friendship should come naturally, like any relationship. If it is forced, then there will certainly be drama and heartache in the future. If your teen has any toxic friendships, remind them how many other teenagers and friend possibilities there are in the world, and ask them to widen their search and horizons.
4- Re-evaluate where your teen’s time is spent and enforce new rules
Parenting presents a unique challenge of providing children and teens with the perfect balance of being busy while having down time to avoid burnout. If your teenager has achieved that perfect balance, then there is no need to re-evaluate your situation. However, if your teen is lonely and spends a significant amount of time gaming or on social media, then consider new rules such as limiting screen time to 1-2 hours per night, only allowing screen time if the child has been involved in an extracurricular activity first or has completed their homework, chores and exercise. Being lonely can have a trickle effect on a teenager’s mental health and while most teens know what they want, they don’t necessarily know what they need. This is the time to step in, in a non-punitive and supportive fashion. If your teen is anything like the rest of them, they will resist your efforts but as we said, it’s clearly time for a change.
We, at the PediPals are two pediatricians who treat and care for hundreds of children per week. With this bird eye’s view, we can assure you that this problem is very common, and typically transient.
The most important thing to keep in mind is not to allow your teen to get lost in the loneliness and in screens during this time. Encourage them to branch out, to try new things, to find what gives them passion and purpose and above all, love them unconditionally.
Your PediPals